One of the things I have observed time and time again is that people who are intimidated by negotiation are generally also scared of money. Yes, scared of money. For something that people love to have, so many of us are scared of talking about it, scared of dealing with it and scared of asking for it.
If you ask someone to think of a negotiation situation they’ll typically think of a scenario that involves large amounts of money, such as buying a house or a car or negotiating their salary. Most people think negotiation means money, when in the scheme of things, negotiations that involve money are actually in the minority or our day-to-day lives, even if they have the most obvious tangible impacts.
Fear of money actually comes from all sorts of places. It may be that money (or lack of it) was a sensitive issue in your childhood home and so you learned that every time money came up in conversation that people had a fight over it. It may be that you don’t consider yourself very good at maths so because money means dealing with numbers you psychologically shut down as soon as money comes up conversation. It could be that society or your upbringing has socialised you to think that talking about money is distasteful. Did you have a parent who used to say that people who had more money than they did were greedy? Maybe you’ve heard too many people selectively quote the Bible and say “money is the root of all evil. (For reference, the full Bible verse is 1 Timothy 6:10 “For the love of money is the root of all evil”. The meaning of the statement changes significantly when you read the whole verse, doesn’t it?)
Maybe, deep down you feel that you’re not worthy of having money. (Newsflash: you are DEFINITELY worthy of having money. Everyone is.)
If you are going to master (or at the very least improve) your negotiation skills, then you will need to be comfortable talking about money. For starters, money is a necessary part of life. If you don’t have any money, then your life is going to be very difficult. Yes, we’ve all read about the studies that show there is a point where more money doesn’t mean more happiness, but that is well after we have put groceries on the table, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, can afford the endless stream of insurance bills, taxes and life necessities such as transport. Then throw in a few indulgences, some quality of life purchases to make life feel like more than a daily grind, and try to have enough money in the bank so that we’re not living paycheck to paycheck with the constant threat of wolves at the door. Money is important.
If you’re making $10 million a year and you’re miserable, you have some internal reflection to do. If you’re making $50,000 a year and you’re miserable, that’s understandable and you’ll want to do whatever it is you can to better your situation and give yourself some breathing space. If you’re not earning as much money as you’d like and you don’t like talking about money, then there may be a connection there.
The first step to getting past a fear of money is acknowledging that the fear even exists. If you can identify what might have contributed to money making you feel uncomfortable, then that is a hugely useful step. If you can’t identify the root of your fear of money, then that’s okay, you can still reprogram your thinking and your relationship with money. You may discover it in the future and you can address it then.
This may not be what you expected from a Negotiation blog, but reprogramming your relationship with money is going to have a huge impact on your life, but it is going to require you to go back to basics with some exercises that quite probably are going to make you feel a little silly. That’s okay, because no-one is watching.
There is a well-established process in life that goes Thoughts à Feelings à Actions à Results. What you think influences how you feel, how you feel influences how you act and it is your actions and actions alone that get results. Most people are aware that their actions and behaviours are influenced by their mood. For example, if we’ve had a crappy day then we are more likely to be snappy with our co-workers or family members or be quick to beep the horn in the traffic on the way home. But not everyone realises that how they feel can be significantly impacted by what they think.
There are mountains of research to show that we can think ourselves into and out of bad moods. Thoughts may randomly occur, but we can choose which thoughts we are going to entertain and continue thinking about. Everyone has been in the situation when a thought has popped into their head but they didn’t want to think about it right then and they pushed it back out. We can all do it and it gets easier with practice. Now we just need to apply this skill to improving our relationship with money.
So, how do you retrain your mind to not fear money? Start with looking at yourself in a mirror and saying the following phrases until they no longer make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t just think them, say the words out loud. This may require you to do the mirror routine several times a day (start with three times a day) for a number of days or weeks, but your mind will start to believe what you say and you will feel noticeably more relaxed whenever money comes up in conversation.
- Money helps me achieve my goals and desires.
- I am worthy of having money.
- I deserve a salary of $XXX a year. (Insert your target number that is at least 20% more than you are earning now.)
- I am confident in my ability to manage my money.
- I am confident talking about money.
You can learn every negotiation trick in the book, but if you are scared of money you’re going to find it really hard to negotiate a deal that gets you more money. When we face our fears head on, we often find out that there wasn’t as much to be scared of as we thought. If you find negotiation intimidating and you also find it uncomfortable talking about money, I hope you’ve just had a lightbulb moment!