The problem is that people – and in particular women – think that being nice in a negotiation means that you continue to make concessions until the other side is happy even if it means that you aren’t happy with the outcome of the negotiation. Why? Because if the other party isn’t happy then they won’t like you and that’s anathema to most women.

Nice in negotiation isn’t about walking away with a new BFF. Nice in negotiation isn’t about being a pushover. Nice is negotiation is about building a relationship such that the other party enjoys dealing with you, but still respects the fact that you are each looking to maximise the value of the deal to yourselves. You can still drive a hard bargain whilst being a nice person to deal with, and this is the only place nice should have in a negotiation.

A lot is written on relationships in negotiation. The best way to approach a new negotiation relationship is to behave as though this will be the first of many transactions together. Even if you’re pretty certain you’ll never deal with this person again it’s a small world and you never know when or where someone is going to show up again in the future.

Being nice is an important part of building trust in a negotiation relationship.

Nice can be lots of things in negotiation. Nice is having good manners. Nice is having a smile on your face. Nice is showing the other party that you’re interested in them as a person. Nice is not abdicating your responsibility to yourself or the party you are advocating for fear of upsetting someone.

Have you ever had a minor car accident that wasn’t your fault? Just because someone bumped you from behind at the traffic lights doesn’t mean you have to get out of your car and string together a bunch of four letter words. Even though they’ve damaged your car you can still be nice to them. Being nice doesn’t mean that they’re going to get away without dealing with any consequences – you’re still going to register a police report and notify the insurance company. If they’re not complying with the law and this has consequences these aren’t your problem. Being nice just means that you follow the same course of action but without the yelling and without the obscenities.

Negotiation is the same. Be pleasant to deal with. Practise good manners at all times. Earn the respect of the other party. But don’t let being nice stop you from getting what you want out of the negotiation. You have as much right to a good deal as the other party, so go and get it!

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